The Celebrity All-Star Game is probably the 5th most important event of All-Star weekend (1. All-Star Game 2. Rookie-Sophomore Game, 3. Slam-Dunk, 3-PT, Skills Competition, 4. How the athletes spend their money at the strip club after everything). It’s just great to see how they make these teams flow so well together with R&B singers, B-list movie stars and over 50-years-old NBA greats. One year they had Scottie Pippen play against Justin Bieber. How great would it of been to see baby-face Bieber bawling on the ground because Pippen posterized him like he did Patrick Ewing.
This year’s lineup was just as great. We had a correspondent from Entertainment Tonight (I don’t think a whole lot of people over the age of 60 read our blog, so you probably don’t know what Entertainment Tonight is), the guy from the movie version of Bridge to Terabithia, and the man that got Mariah Carey preggers. And they are supposed to go up against Clyde Drexler and Dikembe Mutombo. I know it’s been a long time since they’ve played, but how hard do they have to not try to drop 30 and 20 blocks on these short Hollywood punks. Dikembe couldn’t even resist swatting one ball away and giving his signature finger wag.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that USAIN BOLT PLAYED!!! He actually dunked in the game to, something that Kevin Hart would have needed a Fisher Price rim to do. Hart won back-to-back MVPs by scoring only 5 points. He got those 5 points by licking the defender’s palm every time they put a hand in his face.
Russell Westbrook and James Harden also coached the teams, which is pretty great. What’s even better is that Queen Latifah assistant coached Westbrook’s team. What hasn’t Queen Latifah been in? OH SHIT! Queen Latifah just walked into my dorm room. Now Queen Latifah has officially been in everything.
In the dining hall, there are sets of two TVs hanging from the ceiling. The TV on the right shows music videos, the TV on the left shows ads and stupid games. These are all put on by a company called Akoo. I hate Akoo. I hate everything about it. First of all, they play rihanna like 40 times a day. They should know that half the students here are depressed enough from homework already. Most of them are there alone. Then they get even more sad when they sit down with their shitty hamburger with a side of cheerios. The last thing they need is “SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND” for 4 minutes. One time I heard diamonds, that rude boy song, and that hopeless place song ALL IN A ROW. Today I had a particularly unbelievable experience. On the left TV I see “Kanye Crest #dentalrappernames.” I hate everything about this. It isn’t even funny, and no one else would ever use this hashtag. It gets worse. Next thing I see is for the game “who sang it?” The lyrics they decided to pick were “Op op op op oppan gangnam style.”…I don’t even know what to say about this. I guess if you’re the type of person to say “Oh I know this one, that’s Psy! What a fun game!” then you are also the type of person to enjoy Akoo. Next screen? “Squid Rock #aquaticrappernames.” This isn’t even right! Kid rock isn’t a rapper! I am almost sad at this point. I’m sad that other people are in the same room viewing the same stupid screen. But this one was the worst: “Stew Chainz #comfortfoodrappernames.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. No one and I mean NO ONE will ever use this. If you come up with another comfort food rapper name I need to know about it right now. Akoo literally just makes me so angry that I needed to talk about it.
Disclaimer: yes, this is a real show.
In our latest column “Let’s Take a Second to Talk About:” we take something that is on our mind that we feel needs to be talked about, and we talk about it. This can be about Old Spice commercials, Lion King 1½, .gifs, or anything in between.